Breaking the silence: Lola's journey of speaking up

While earlier generations of our "core members" - people with learning disabilities we support - joined L’Arche from long-stay institutions, today most come from happy family homes. But not all. 

Here, we share the story of Lola.* Brought up by uncaring parents, she went into foster care at the age of 11, only to experience abuse at the hands of her foster parents. Aged 18, Lola's life changed dramatically when the police intervened, and she was sent to live with a new foster family. Since then, she’s joined a L’Arche day centre, found the confidence to speak up and get a job.

Lola is reluctant to revisit her past, which she describes as "sad". But she wants to tell her story to inspire others to speak up and get help when things go wrong.  

My family background

My name is Lola. I'm 26. I’ve got a young brother and sister, Rob and Karen. My dad has kids with other partners too.I'm funny and kind and cheeky. And I always tell the truth. 

Growing up, I had a horrible family life. My mum chose alcohol and drugs over her kids. She would end up drunk, and keep all the food in the house for herself. When I was only 5 or 6, I had to be mum to Rob and baby Karen. Me and Rob had to steal from my Mum’s purse to go and buy food.

After my Dad and Mum separated, I lived with my Mum. My Dad couldn’t stand me. He was into drink and drugs too before he died. I still have a love-hate relationship with Rob, because he and Karen were dead close to Mum and Dad, and I wasn’t.

I got treated differently by Dad and his side of the family. His Mum always gave Rob and Karen something for Christmas. I got nothing. Because of my learning disability, Dad didn’t really count me as a child. “I’ve only got two children,” he said. I remember thinking, “Why are they treating me like this? Why is it me who has a learning disability, not my brother or sister? What have I done wrong?”

I blame myself because I didn’t speak up sooner. People should speak up, because your life won’t be as miserable. You’re speaking up, you’re trying to find the right help.

Taken into foster care

When I was 12, I was separated from Rob and Karen, and moved into foster care with someone called Sarah. At first, I thought I could trust Sarah. She had other foster children. It seemed like the childhood I always missed. But I was wrong.

Sarah knew how to wind me up and make me angry. At first, my room was on the top floor with two other girls. She and her partner Mark would come and hit me and do all kinds of things to me. She ended up moving me downstairs, because they didn’t want to come all the way to the top of the house to batter me.

I was on medication for ADHD. After 18 months, I went for a medication review. Sarah wanted them to up my medication from 10mg to 30mg, to make me more quiet and sleepy. So before the meeting, she told me to do weird things in the meeting – like crawl under the table, make weird noises, chew on the electric wires, and that. She said, “If you don’t do it, you know what’s gonna happen.” I was scared, so I went along with it.

Another time, I was in the car with Sarah. She knew I was planning to say something to the social worker about my bruises, and she wanted to cut me off. I opened the door to jump out, and she dragged me back in and battered me.

A new life

When I was 18, one of Sarah’s other foster children went to the police. After that, I was taken to live with a new foster carer, called Angie, and her family. The police also gave me my bank card back. I discovered Sarah had been using it to buy things for herself.

When I arrived at Angie’s house, I was malnourished. I was only about 6 stone. I was scared. But Angie has always treated me like an adult. If there’s a problem, we talk. It’s a very calm house. Angie doesn’t shout, she’s never raised her hand, she’s helping me grow up. I’ve got a family with Angie’s family. If we go to a party together, she says to people, “This is Lola, one of our family.”

Angie found me a placement at L’Arche Day Centre, where I enjoy baking, drama and hanging out with friends. I have also got a job helping people with learning disabilities to be heard and empowered.

Today, I just want to help people. I want people to look at me as a role model, because I look at people as role models too. I want to do for other people what Angie has done for me, to look at people the way she does.

Why it's important to speak up

I want to tell people about my experience. I just want people to know that it’s OK to speak up. At the time, I didn’t have that confidence. I was scared, and I didn’t have a voice. I didn’t have people to give me that. But if I could go back there now, I would speak up. But people don’t know they can trust people. They don’t know how.

If someone was in the same situation as me, I want to say to them, “You don’t have to be in that situation. I was in that situation – and you need to speak to someone.” I had all my choices taken away from me. I just want people to have a voice and a choice, to speak in their own words, like I do now.

*All names have been changed in the story to protect identities.